I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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