Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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