So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
