just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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