Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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