I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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