i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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