I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
