Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
