I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Randomize
