Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
