her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
