my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
