She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
