I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
