Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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