JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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