I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
