her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
