she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
