I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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