I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I currently don't understand fingers.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
