the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
