i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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