we have pet lesbian snakes
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
