Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
