I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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