Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
