just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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