Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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