My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
