Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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