I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
