Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
