i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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