Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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