hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
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