I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
