i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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