i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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