Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
This is my gift to your gina
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
