On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
