I'm so fucking centered right now
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize