Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
