Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
