apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
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