seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
