my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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