i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
