Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
