God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
