dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
