did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
