somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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