there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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