YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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