Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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