Don't make out with my wife yet
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
she told me i tasted like america
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Randomize
